For years, maybe even a couple of decades now, I’ve felt that I was meant for more. Never quite knowing in what manner however. Was I meant to be a world traveler or meant to pursue a higher education? Was I meant to be an artist, an author or a wrestler? Was I meant to pursue this job or that to get on the “fast track” to truly living? No matter what I tried, or who I consulted, I could never find the answer. I may have found some success here or there by sacrificing time and energy into different endeavors, even becoming quite content at times, yet I never felt fulfilled. I was meant for more.
This thought has plagued me and, no matter where I’m at or what I’m doing, I inevitably get into a mental battle with myself on the matter; to the point that I become discontent in my workings and ready to move on to try and fill that desire/urge for more in life with something else. It’s a vicious cycle that just leads to more questions, more self-doubt and, at times, self-loathing. Sometimes, I even become aware of self-pity due to my view of having a lack of support or, if support is there, the lack of the “right” kind of support.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has felt this way in life, nor the only one who has tried to place the blame onto someone else at some point for me not being or feeling like I ought to be. Not that these thoughts or feelings are always present, but they’re a part of that ugly cycle.
So, I was having one of these mental battles recently. I’ve been working a job that I like and that I’m pretty good at, but the thoughts and urges were beginning to cycle their way back around. Then, an idea came to me and I started to listen to some books by C.S. Lewis and A.W. Tozer whilst working to try to gain some knowledge and find some spiritual weaponry to equip myself with to help combat these struggles. During one of these listens the thought occurred to me, even with my more noble quests and desires, I’ve been going about this all wrong. It’s not that I’m meant for more, but that God is meant for more in me.
‘I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ‘ – Galatians 2:20
Whatever it is I do, in work or deed, I should be doing for the Lord. Whether I’m at my place of employment or spending time with the family, if I’m on vacation, on a mission trip or just on a trip into town, I (like us all) am called to go about my activities heartily as for the Lord: ‘Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, ‘ – Colossians 3:23.
In my experience, whenever I stop trying to figure things out on my own or try to do things my way, and I give it over to God and do it for His glory, then things fall into place and work out for me as well. No matter what good I have in mind, God’s plans are better. He wants the best for us. ‘For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. ‘ – Jeremiah 29:11.
All we have to do is call on Him: ‘Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. ‘ – Jeremiah 29:12-13. That’s where I find myself now. I’m seeking.
One of my favorite verses, and the first I ever memorized, is Matthew 4:19 which states: ‘And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” I believe this is one of the reasons I’ve felt such a calling for more. However, it wasn’t until fairly recently that I really paid attention to the following verse: ‘Immediately they left their nets and followed him. ‘ – Matthew 4:20.
When these disciples were called by Christ they immediately dropped their nets, their literal livelihoods, and followed Him. They didn’t stop and question or try to figure things out on their own, they simply followed Christ.
I’m ready to follow. Not in the sense that I’ve got it all figured out now and I’m ready to go, because I don’t have it figure out at all, but I know God has placed that desire in me to go and do. So, while I feel I’m meant for more, now the focus has shifted and I feel I’m meant to do more for Him. Now, as I wait and pray for discernment as to know where He is calling me, I will try my best to bring honor and glory to Him in my daily walk and activities. ‘So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. ‘ – 1 Corinthians 10:31.
Lord God, I’ve heard your calling. I’m sorry I haven’t always followed. Help me stop overthinking things and give it all over to you. Lead me Lord and give me the discernment and faith needed to follow you and do as you please. I’m yours Lord. Use me. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.